GAMBLING FOR BONEHEADS

I’ve heard of blackjack players who use a sophisticated computer strapped inside their shorts with wires running down to little buttons under their toes so they can secretly keep track of the values of cards they see. The computer tells them when to hit or stand by giving off a little tingle in their shorts.
Does this work?

With batteries, yes. But never plug the contraption into a wall socket!

Hi, my name is Lance. I’m a card-counter and I know the importance of wearing a disguise when I play blackjack. I play so much, and play so well, that most pit bosses used to recognize me and throw me out. But now I wear women’s clothes- a wig, make up, the whole nine yards. No one suspects me. The problem is when I get home I kind of like to keep the outfit on.

You don’t need a disguise. You need an operation.

I was watching this guy walk through the casino, counting out a bunch of hundred- dollar bills. Isn’t this dangerous?

Absolutely. If you’re carrying large wad bills in the casino, be careful. Never show off your wads in public.

I like to play blackjack where “surrender” is offered. If I don’t like my cards, I can surrender the hand and only lose half my bet. Is this a good strategy?

Sure is. And if you surrender all of your bets, you’ll cut losses in half!

Where I play blackjack, we don’t have any single deck or double deck games. Counting seems to be a waste of time and I can’t find any excitement in the games anymore. What can I do to restore my interest in this game?

You must play in Las Vegas. And you’re right, there’s not much excitement in the game without the challenge of card counting.

I play only roulette now, and find that the excitement and anxiety of the game are what pulled me away from the blackjack tables. In fact, I’ll never again play blackjack against a 6 or 8 deck shoe.

Here’s a list of things I’d rather do:

1. Watch reruns of movies.
2. Eat sprouts.
3. Do my shopping.
4. Pet my neighbour’s dog.
5. Take my car in for service.
6. Go to the dentist.
7. Listen to “ Achy Breaky Heart”.
8. Get a rectal exam.
9. Stand in the line at the petrol pump.