GAMBLING FOR BONEHEADS


I see these guys just hanging around behind the tables. I think they’re called pit bosses, or something. What exactly do these guys do, anyhow?

They have four basic responsibilities:
• Keep out cheaters, criminals, hookers, card-counters and other “undesirables”.
• Prepare markers and authorise chips for credit players. As a rule, the bosses are slow with the chips when the table’s hot and fast with the chips when the table’s cold.
• Watch the dealers, particularly the female dealers. Sometimes this important duty is also extended to cocktail waitresses.
• Stand around. Most pits have at least two bosses so there’s always someone to lean against.

What can I do to make roulette more exciting to play? I like to play, but frankly, I’m getting bored with it.

You’ll be happy to learn that roulette is now the only game in the casino where it is actually legal to use drugs while you play.
The game is so bor-r-r-r-ring that you’ll want to bring along a bottle of No- Doz to keep you awake.
And, if you think it’s fun to sit there and watch the little white ball go around one way, while the wheel itself turns the opposite way, don’t forget to bring your Dramamine. If you get sick in a car, or sick in a plane, you’ll get sick at the roulette wheel, too.
You’ll also get indigestion when you see your money moving one-way across the table. That’s called a “Maalox Moment.” So you better bring along a bottle of that too.

I’m sitting at this blackjack table…it’s just me and another guy. He gets all the good cards, wins a ton…and me, well, I’m struggling just to stay even. Has this ever happened to you?

It happens to everyone. Here’s my advice - If someone else at the table is winning a lot of money and you’re not, it’s OK to ask him if he’ll trade places with you. Of course, he’ll probably tell you to buzz off, but if he’s not sitting on one of the bases, simply get up and move to a spot in front of him. You’ll get his cards!


I know a lot of things are illegal in the casino and would appreciate a list of things that can get players into trouble.

At the blackjack tables, it is against the law to :

• Hide cards in your mouth.
• Wear 3-D glasses.
• Place live animals inside the betting circle.
• Play footsie with the dealer.
• Tell the dealer, “Make sure I win cause I own the joint.”
• Wear your secret decoder ring.
• Fly paper airplanes.
• Win more than three hands in a row.
• Have sex, even if you’re having it alone.


What if I get a credit, use it all up, and then can’t pay it back?

You have three options here. One, you can call the credit manager and set up a payment plan. Two, you can move to Antarctica. Three, remember that dentist you stiffed for fifty bucks?

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